Why “Hurt People Hurt People”...How and Why It Happens. (Part 1)
- New Leaf Services CCC
- 6 hours ago
- 3 min read
During your lifetime, you might have heard the phrase: “Hurt people hurt people.”
But behind those four words is a much deeper truth about how unhealed pain can shape our entire way of being in the world.
People who’ve been deeply hurt—especially early in life—don’t just carry scars. They've learned to expect: that emotional or physical closeness leads to disappointment, that trust ends in betrayal, that emotional safety is a false belief.
Even in the best relationships, they may find themselves waiting for the "other shoe to drop". And often, they act first to protect themselves. They may push people away, wrecking relationships before they can go wrong, or strike out emotionally...or even, physically—not because they’re malicious, but because they’re bracing for the pain they’ve come to expect.
Self-Protection That Backfires
These actions once made sense. Maybe they protected someone from being vulnerable in an unsafe home, or helped them survive betrayal...or even abuse. But over time, these once-useful strategies harden into patterns that isolate and hurt.
What does this look like?
Pushing people away before they get too close.
Wrecking things and relationships before they have a chance to go wrong.
Causing hurt and harm without meaning to.
Shutting down or lashing out when things start feeling "real".
Creating emotional and physical distance out of fear of being hurt.
Breaking the connection before someone else can.
"Testing people"...until they leave.
Blowing things up to avoid vulnerability.
All of it is rooted in pain and fear. The things that have helped them survive. And all of it reinforces the belief: “See? I was right. I always get hurt.”
They’re not trying to be cruel. In their minds, they’re trying to survive.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
When people don’t understand what’s happening underneath in their lives, they start building stories to make sense of their pain and suffering that they experience or cause to others. They will say things like,
“I’m just cursed.”
“I was born to suffer...and that's just the way it will always be.”
“God is trying to teach me a lesson...it's my job to endure and figure it out myself!”
"The universe (God) is trying to improve me...and I just need to do better."
These "stories" can offer temporary comfort or clarity. But they also blind a person to the harmful cycle(s) that they are in. The longer the story goes unchallenged, the more it becomes a vicious cycle in their mind that the belief creates the behavior, and the behavior proves the belief right. This is what's known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And here’s where it gets even harder: most people caught in these patterns or stories have no idea it’s happening. All they feel is isolation, confusion, pain, and frustration when things fall apart—again.
What You Can’t Do And What Comes Next
If you recognize this pattern in someone you love, it’s natural to want to help. You might think, “If I just love them enough…I can help them heal.”
That’s an understandable way of thinking about it. But it’s also a dangerous one...and one that will blow up in your face.
Coming Soon: Part 2
"You Can’t Love Someone Out of Their Trauma And Why It’s Not Your Job. In Part 2, I’ll talk about why trying to be someone’s “emotional savior” can end up hurting you—and what real healing actually requires.
If this post resonated with you, or if you see yourself in these patterns and want help navigating out of them—reach out. Therapy is a space where these cycles can be explored, challenged, and changed. Click the button below to request a FREE 30 minute conversation
My name is Daniel Barrera, M.Ed., C.A.R.T., LPC A and I am a licensed professional counselor here in Texas. I help individuals untangle the roots of emotional pain and build healthier relationships—especially with themselves. With a strong belief in the power of self-awareness and compassion, I offer therapy that goes beyond symptom management and into meaningful change.
Blog Disclaimer
The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship, and the information provided should not be used as a substitute for personalized mental health treatment.
If you are experiencing distress, struggling with your mental health, or believe you may have a mental health condition, please consult a licensed mental health professional who can assess your unique situation and provide appropriate guidance.
In case of a mental health emergency, please seek immediate support by contacting 911 or a mental health crisis hotline such as 988, reaching out to a qualified professional, or going to your nearest emergency facility.
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